Thanks

This was me a scarce two years ago, I posted a blog on myspace that reflected my mental state at that time.

This day I give thanks for nothing. What should I be thankful for? Friends I don’t hardly ever see? The job I did so well and got laid off from? The new job that lets me pay my bills but gives me hours that contributed to the explosion of my family? The children who would rather be else ware on the holidays even now when they don’t even live at home? My failure as a parent? The car that is giving me trouble and will probably continue to? My great success in managing my own life? (note: last statement dripping with sarcasm) For almost losing my mind and almost nobody noticing? Thankful for the tears I hide and the pain buried deep inside?

I’m a failure as a mother, I’ve been a failure as a wife, I’m a failure in working hard and supporting my family on my own. I’ve been a success in nothing but living through it all, battered and bruised, cut and covered in scars both inside and out. So I sit here alone, getting ready to put on a shallow smile for my parents, feeling sick inside. But I’m here, “Be thankful for your health,” I’d rather not. I’m as sick inside as one who is healthy can be but there is no cure and there is nothing to be thankful for this year. My life is in shambles and it is a mess. CALGON TAKE ME AWAY!!!!! If I’m lucky I’ll choke on the bubbles and drown.

Well, here I am now with a totally new life, new friends, new focus. I can see that those failures are not all mine. I did the best I could at the time.

These past few years have seen me grow a lot. I’m happier, loved, cared for, and finding psychological, physical and spiritual pursuits that only show me more of myself and help me heal.

I am thankful for the weight I have lost, may there be more to come off.

I am thankful for Boleskine 93, the best friend I have ever and will ever have.

I am thankful for the ability and strength to be standing on my own and voicing my feelings and thoughts even if they cause a stir because it doesn’t “go with the flow”

I am thankful for all the wonderful resources that are falling into my hands and filling me with knowledge and information.

I am thankful for the skills I am learning with wood and herbs and other materials that make me happy.

I am thankful for the ability to let go

I am thankful for being aware of when I can’t

I am thankful that my life has changed and that I have records like this to show me how far I have come.

Now when I call for the Calgon I have a different thing in mind!!!

Happy Thanksgiving to all. May the Gods and Goddesses bless you and keep you in the coming months of darkness.

Summer Memories

Two evenings ago I brought home a bag of charcoal and had burgers on the grill for dinner with my best friend in the world. Lost bits of growing up and new relaxing thoughts, or lack of, filled me with a calm and serene feeling that I had not fully felt in a long time.

I had picked up one of those small one use, self starting bags that all you have to do is light the bag. Good thing too. It’s been so very long since I’ve seen anyone cook on a charcoal grill, I wouldn’t have remembered little details ahead of time like lighter fluid and all that. As I am writing this, I have a flood of memories coming back to me of newspaper crumpled in the lumps of coal and lighting mathc after match and sticking them in the pile hoping they would light. (All this done by my parents of course, we as children were only allowed to watch) As we got older, everyone seemed to have a gas grill on the ready with a turn of a knob and a click of a button. If only they had realized what was lost.

Anyway, we lit the bag and I sat on the step keeping an eye on the flames so it would be safe. It was a fairly nice evening sitting there in the shade. Not too hot or humid, as it tended to be lately. It reminded me of the summer evenings in my teens when I would sit on the green grass and read, just to be outside. The smell of the charcoal floated over my way with the memories of those days before those gas grills came along. I was in heaven, but it only got better. I sat quietly and escaped within myself. No, I escaped OUTSIDE myself. My head emptied and I only allowed thoughts of the sound of the traffic on the main street in the distance, the sights of the birds, and the feeling of the breeze to flow.

I looked around and took in the beauty that surrounded me in all it’s glory. Ok, so I wasn’t in the country, I was a mile from downtown but from where I sat, I saw no car nor road, just the neighboring home and the trees and flowers and grass of the tiny yard where my friend and I rent. I cleared my head and just looked around me. There are some cedar trees where the chickadees frequent the neighbors feeder. I even saw a female cardinal as I sat in the quiet watching the grill in the shade of those trees. Other birds chirped and sang as they flew and danced between the branches. The wind blew in small gusts that you could hear and see coming before you even felt it. I watched the bush at the far end of the yard begin to sway, then the tiger lilies and rhododendron dance to an unheard song and finally the air burst around the bush next to me and licked the little flames in the grill. It brought to me the scents of summer and good food and comfort and security of family and childhood.

Long ago we sat as children, thinking nothing, worrying about nothing, wide eyed at the joys and freedom of the season. Sparklers on the forth of July, ice cream from the truck (back when the tinkering song didn’t annoy us) and the smell of hot dogs and burgers, maybe sausages and peppers or some other grilling fare filling the air as we swam in the local pond or ocean until our lips turned blue. All these joys long forgotten in our hurried, busy complicated lives. I am thankful for taking the time to ready the coals and remember what it is like to let go of all the trappings of today. My friend, I think we need to grill more often. One day I’ll get you those steaks and lobsters too, I promise.