CALLING ALL MALE, FEMALE AND TRANS-GENDER WITCHES: £50K JOB OPPORTUNITY

http://www.wookey.co.uk/news.htm has provided me with the best entertainment for the day.  They are looking for a witch and willing to pay handsomely for it. The 50K salary mentioned is in British pounds which equals over 80,ooo USD! I think I should learn how to cackle!

There are a lot of disgruntled witches living around the country. Wearing pointy black hats and black hessian drapes they’re reduced to casting spells whilst sitting on a sofa in front of a 38” flat-screen TV in a suburban semi, using own-brand potion ingredients sourced from the local Sainsburys. Not the des res, executive, no mod-cons, wind-swept blasted heath of their dreams. For one lucky witch though, these ancient yearnings could soon be fulfilled. There’s a unique job on offer at Wookey Hole in Somerset. It’s a job which comes with witch-perfect live-in accommodation in a spacious cave, and a 50K salary. £50,000. Enough to buy designer-label rags, frogs from Fortnum and Mason’s and a Le Creuset cooking pot.

Wookey Hole wants the appointee to go about her everyday business as a hag, so that people passing through the caves can get a sense of what the place was like in the Dark Ages. This was when an old woman lived in the caves with some goats and a dog, causing a variety of social ills including crop failures and disease. She also turned the local milk rancid.

Eventually, an Abbot called Father Bernard was summoned from Glastonbury. Armed with a bible and a candle, he entered the cave, spotted the witch and tried to reason with her. She started screaming and casting curses, and ran off into the depths of the cavern. His efforts at conflict resolution through dialogue exhausted, Father Bernard scooped up some water from the cave, blessed it, and then threw it at the witch who turned to stone. And there she stands to this day.

So the job is straightforward: live in the cave, be a witch, and do the things witches do. Wookey Hole is advertising nationally and hopes to attract a strong field of candidates, with the £50K salary serving as a major incentive. Interviews for the post, which will involve on-site assessment incorporating a range or standard tasks, will take place on Tuesday 28th July at 11am. Given the nature of the role, Wookey Hole has decided to run the process on an “open audition” basis. Ambitious witches, looking for a key career move, should turn up dressed for work and bring any essential witch accoutrements. A limited range of potion ingredients will be available.

Reluctantly, Wookey Hole is allowing BOTH men and women to apply. A common misconception is that male witches are “warlocks”. Wrong. Male witches are witches. According to specialists in magic lore “warlock” is just an insult. Wookey Hole HR has accordingly been advised that under sexual discrimination law, unless it can provide documentary proof that the original witch was female (which would allow them to advertise for women only according to the exclusion to Employment and Training Law No.1661 (2003), pt.II, para 7, clause (a) – no, honestly), it can’t issue a gender-specific JD. Since Wookey Hole can’t furnish the required, legally binding proof, it has had to accept that the post might eventually be awarded to a man.

The authorities hope that Wookey Hole will employ a trans-gender witch, preferably recruited via a youth training initiative.

For further information please phone Wookey Hole

Second Funniest Thing All Day

I used Craigslist and mentioned Pagan. I got this e-mail as a response:

Looks like your going to burn in hell cause you have rejected Christ,….not that I give a fuck , but my God Jesus is stronger than your pseudo ( look it up ) God……..

Ok, so I was in an “evil” mood and replied as such:

Blessed Be.

Jesus is not God, there is only ONE God and he is stronger than the son who represents an intermediary to the one God, creator of the universe. You know nothing about my faith or beliefs and either you do give a **** or you are just incredibly bored.

Was it your intention that I look up the strength of Jesus or simply the word “pseudo”? EHEM. I do happen to have an education. Studied Education/Technology and Theology at Notre Dame before the school closed down the Manchester campus.

Do not assume a Craigslist Occultist is some stupid goth teenybopper with no brain. Judge not thy neighbor, my friend.

Got a little glee out of that. I admit it. Does that make me a bad person?

Short Rant

WHAT IS UP WITH PEOPLE? A friend of mine (can you guess who?) commented on liking a quote on someone else’s page. That’s nice, right? Maybe you would get a thanks, or a hello back? NOT THIS CHICK.

First she says “how dare you contact me”. DUH, YOU HAVE A PUBLIC PAGE! Throws in some personal baggage and insults the “evil pic” he has on his page (not his blog, another one), calls him an “evil satanist” and adds…

oh this is good, keep reading…

“I’m Wiccan, I’m stronger than you”!!!!!!!!!

Pardon me while I roll in fits of laughter on the floor……

……………nope not done yet………………..almost…………still giggling……………….sigh……

Ok, ok, I’m back. Now, I don’t want all these nasty comments from Wiccans, I’m not knocking all of you or any of your beliefs. What makes this so funny to me is how a kind comment caused a nasty lashing out. THIS PARTICULAR “Wiccan” first of all has major issues, the least of which are ignorance and a stick up her arse.

Being Wiccan, wouldn’t she feel that her actions, not just magick, but all energy sent out would come back on her? Well, maybe it is, maybe that’s why she’s so nasty. Look inward, Honey, and maybe seek professional help.

Now to address her HYSTERICAL comment. I’m not saying that a Wiccan can’t have stronger magick and fortitude than some Satanist. We all have our strengths and weaknesses, some have more natural talent than others, and still more just better training. This person takes a quick look (and I know it was quick because with a reaction like she had I can’t see her taking 10 minutes to read over the page) and throws a religion up as a defense. Well, A priest could say, “Wiccan, well I’m Catholic and stronger than you.” and what does THAT have to do with the price of eggs? Exactly. She could be a novice (probably solitary despite the communal nature of a true Wiccan following) or a priestess (which I doubt or she’d be smarter) and knows zip, zero, zilch about my friend who could be Anton or Aleister reincarnate for all she knows.

Sometimes people can just be so stupid.

I’m stronger than you!!!

Have You Ever Been Naufragio?

You know how sometimes you are listening to the radio and you mis-hear a lyric but it sounds pretty good? Well a while back I was listening to Jimmi Hendrix and I could have sworn he sung my name. SO……I changed up a few lyrics and made my own version.

If you can just get a ritual together
Uh-then come on across to me
We’ll cast circles and then we’ll watch demons rise
From the bottom of the sea
But first, are you Naufragio?
Uh-have you ever been Naufragio-uh?
Well, I have

(well) I know, I know, you’ll probably scream and cry
That your Catholic saints won’t let you go
But who in your measly little faith-uh
Are you tryin’ to prove to that you’re
Made out of gold and-uh, cant be sold
So-uh, are you Naufragio?
Have you ever been Naufragio-uh?
Well, I have

Uh, let me prove it to you, yeah
A Satanic Chubby I can-uh, hear in the distance
I think he’s callin’  Diablo
Maybe now you cant hear him,
But you will, ha-ha, if you just
Take hold of my hand
Ohhh, but are you Naufragio?
Have you ever been Naufragio?
Not necessarily wrecked, but beautiful

And Upon My Death

They are the lonely, the friendless. There is no one to speak for them but me. My voice will be raised in their defense. I will resolve all doubts in their favor.
This will be my credo; this and the Golden Rule. I will seek acclaim and approval only from my own conscience. And if upon my death there are a few lonely people who have benefited, my efforts will not have been in vain.
— Jim Doherty, Cook County Chief Public Defender

OK, Now that I started thinking funerals and how Pagans work them, I found this site:

I have to chuckle at the “HOW TO”-ness of it but thought it was pretty good for a start. For those of my friends reading this, I have added commentary so you will know what to do after that bus hits me. (Or Boleskine 93 either blows us all up or succeeds in his evil plans) Of course, being so new I may not have all the details so you will have to fill in any blanks or alter outdated info that would no longer apply to my beliefs at the time of spiritual reclamation.

How to Perform a Pagan Funeral

By eHow Culture & Society Editor

It’s difficult to generalize about how to perform a pagan funeral, primarily because there are no universally accepted funeral rites or traditions that bind the different pagan categories together. However, if someone you love is a pagan and wants to have a pagan funeral, here are some suggestions on how to pull it off.

Instructions
Difficulty: Moderate
Things You’ll Need:

* Officiant, like a priest or priestess familiar with pagan tradition (Boleskine would fit in if no other “official” is available, assisted by Seshat, of course. And if he goes into the good night first he just has to come back to do this one thing for me. So mote it be.)
* Venue for the funeral (Please remove body from place of death)
* Body or remains of the deceased (No post mortum (or premortum!)dismemberment, and NO chests)
* Decorations and music appropriate for the funeral (Clown makeup on the deceased is NOT appropriate! Nor is anything hanging from body parts other than traditional jewelry in a traditional manner)

Step1
Find out what pagan tradition the person followed in life, if you don’t already know it. Just as a Catholic funeral rite is not suitable for a lifelong Baptist, do not assume that someone who worshiped Egyptian deities would have wanted a neopagan memorial service. (Being a spiritual “mut”, Anubis would work or any diety where I can come back to heckle (ummmm I mean watch over) friends and family.)

Step2
See if there is a person who would be willing to officiate at the funeral. Traditional choices for a pagan funeral are the person’s family members or friends who are pagans (or sympathetic to their beliefs). (BOLESKINE!!!!!…..The bastard) He or she may have been a member of a coven,(ICK) and there may be a priest or priestess willing to perform the funeral.(No Wiccan, please, no Wiccan) In a pinch, a Unitarian Universalist minister may be available to perform the rites. (Wrong!)

Step3
Locate an appropriate venue for the ceremony. Most pagan funerals are conducted outside. The deceased may have had a special place that felt very spiritual to him or her, like a forest or a seashore, and you may want to hold the funeral at that location. (My friends know me and my haunts. Make it nice. And warm Damn it, wait I should rephrase that)

Step4
Determine how the person would have wanted his or her body to be taken care of after death. Many pagan traditions use cremation as the preferred way of disposing of a body. (Crematorium with other bodies, being shipped off and not knowing if it’s me or auntie Jane? Just burn me on a funeral pyre. That’s AFTER death, important detail)

Step5
Call the corners and watchtowers at the beginning of the ceremony. An essential part of any ritual is calling them to assist. The first corner is the east, symbolized by air, the second is the south, symbolized by fire, the third is the west, symbolized by water and the fourth is the north, symbolized by earth. The watchtowers provide protection for the participants in the ritual. (Well, DUH)

Step6
Arrange to have music, colors and other decorations appropriate for the ceremony. (see note under things you need) This does not have to mimic Judeo-Christian funeral traditions. (Thank Goddess) Their tradition may have specific flowers adorning an altar, candles of a certain color, incense and music from a different culture setting the mood of reverence and respect for the deceased. (Read poem from previous post. I love that one.) NOTE: since I’ll be burned in a funeral pyre I find it neccessary to mention “BURN THE WITCH!” is NOT an appropriate thing to yell. Boleskine, this means YOU!

Step7
Pay some kind of tribute to the spiritual being that the person honored in life. He or she may have honored a specific god or goddess, Mother Earth, the life force or another celestial being that symbolized deeply held beliefs. (Pay tribute! Pay tribute! Bring me your first born and the blood of…..oh, wait, that’s sacrifice not tribute, hold on a moment…….)

On Grooming

This one gave me a good chuckle.
From The Great Druish Books:

Chapter Six: On Grooming

1. All shall bathe once a week, whether they need it or not.
2. Bedclothes shall be cleaned once a month, whether they need it or not.
3. All clothes that are worn shall be cleaned once a year, whether
they need it or not.
4. The hair of all genders shall not be cut more than two fingers’
length, save where matters of law or livelihood make such muti-
lation necessary.
5. To symbolize the grace and fruitfulness of growing vines, all gen-
ders may wear sidelocks.
6. Due to the principles of Divine Androgyny, clothing shall not in
any way be restricted by reason of gender.
7. To betoken the fact that Wisdom is bestowed equally upon all
genders by the Gods, green caps (known as
acorn caps) may be worn by all genders whenever desired.
8. Similarly , to betoken the fact that all are sheltered equally by the
Gods, green shawls (known as tell-its) may be worn by all gen-
ders during prayers and rituals.
9. Any color not found in the visible spectrum of light is not couth,
and should not be worn in clothing nor used in rituals.
10. The wearing of clothing of any sort is optional, both in daily life
and at rituals.

Personal Ad – Calling Higher Powers

I’m a single Pagan white woman, 38, intelligent, curious with unusual interests in Witchcraft, Goetia, Ceremonial Magick, Herbalism, the Kabbalah and Enlightenment.

I’d like to meet Gods/Goddesses or both with varied interests, compassionate about the world, comfortable expressing their likes and dislikes (I hate struggling to guess), delighting in the ability to fascinate and in being loved tenderly, who values joy, truth, beauty and justice. Looking to share bouts of intense, passionately kind awareness of each other, alternating with loving warmth while we’re absorbed in other aspects of life.

If you are interested, give me a clear sign because I seem to have missed any previous attempts.

Pagan Wisdom and Humor

From The Great Druish Books:

Chapter Fourteen: On Dealing with Outsiders
1. Other Pagans should be treated as sisters and brothers.
2. Heretics are potential comrades; it is couth to talk to them.
3. Skeptics are fun; have several as friends.
4. Cynics are a plague; avoid them as such.
5. Fanatics are dangerous, for their hearts are closed.
6. Beware the tarbaby of experience.
7. Carry a long spoon wherever you go.
8. Be neither showy nor overly timid, but remember: nobody likes a
missionary.
9. Be careful about seducing their children.
10. Be cautious in telling them unpleasant truths, especially about
themselves.
11. Never expect them to live up to our standards.